Crazy Ranting From a Crazy Person.

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm crazy. I'm absolutely crazy.

I have almost no money to my name. I'm living in a new city with next to no connections.

I feel as though the only thing left to my name is my name.

The only thing I can have control of is the the way I appear in other people's eyes.

I don't mean that I care about what everyone thinks of me. Honestly I could care less about most people's opinion of me...but it's the opinion of  the people I love that I care most about upholding.

I want to prosper; I want to further myself; I want to do all of the things that are respectable in life, for the sake of their respect...I have that insane need to prove myself to them.

You know, I've noticed something. There's an extent of sacrifice that is acceptable to even Christian standards. One can give up things, so long as they keep making money in turn- as long as they have security themselves.

Is that so unreasonable a thing to ask, God? That I can have at least a small assurance of security; it doesn't have to be much, just enough to live by- just enough to be seen as respectable. Even if it's under the title of "poor for the name of Christ." At least it's a title.

Can't I at least have a title?

The thing that sucks about a title is that it's just something to feed. It's something to serve instead of serving Christ. And the tricky thing is, a title can have the name of Christ in it, and the appearance of good underneath it.

God I'm done with titles. If you want me to be poor, okay (here goes my support ha- told you I was crazy).

There are seasons of prosperity and seasons poverty, so to speak. Paul knew the secret of being content in each, and I can't help wishing that I understood his secrets as well as he did.

 But I think one of the secrets was his desire to serve God above everything else; no matter how great the cost.

He spent his life traveling and with no money. He spent his life suffering.

His motive wasn't to go as far as inspiring and challenging people. It was to go farther.
In fact, his motive wasn't about people at all. It was about God, and pleasing Him.

That's the goal, isn't it? To please God?

Not everyone pleases God by living a life like Paul's. One could try and end up not pleasing Him because they didn't become who God made them to be.

The life of Paul was Paul's life- no one else's.

The way to please God is to become who He created me to be. Oddly enough, the way to do it isn't by becoming independent, but just the opposite. The way to become who I'm created to be, I've learned, is to surrender everything to God and be obedient to Him. 

It's hard to do...sometimes I forget that God has my best interest at heart. I always think that the people who are over me have nothing but their own interests at heart.

But that's not true of God.

His death proves that it never was true for Him.

He didn't want to suffer and die. Anyone who reads about His death knows that. But He did it, because His own interests didn't come first. 

He put His Father's first, knowing that His Father's will was to reconcile us to Him. His Father's heart was for us.

Now Jesus is in Authority. He is literally ruler of all; whether it's acknowledged by everyone yet or not.

Crazy, His heart is for me. He is my authority- He even has the heart of kings in His hands. He is the ultimate authority.

So when I submit to Him, He makes me more into the person He made me to be. For some people that means having nothing. But does it matter? We're supposed to have everything given up and over to Him, anyway. It's not like it was really ours to begin with.

I start out like everyone else. But the more I give my life and submit to Him the more unique I become; the more different my life becomes.

Truth be told, what happens in this life isn't as important as what happens in the next. No matter what suffering comes in this life, I know my title in the next. I know my place in eternity.

C.S. Lewis said once, "anything that's not eternal is eternally useless." So as much as I'd just love to build my kingdom here, even just a little bit, the only real peace I get is from living for the next one by trusting the One leading me now.

God has a plan. He knows the plans that He has for me.

Ha. That doesn't mean that I know the plans, dang it. Sometimes I wish I did...sometimes I wish I could see what He's up to.

He's told me that He's got miracles in store this year. But the thing about miracles is- surprise, surprise- they're miraculous. Meaning we can't even expect them to happen.

Which to an extent, sucks, because it means that I have to trust more and understand less.

Before the masterpiece, there's nothing but an empty canvas; a block of clay no different from all the other blocks of clay.

The most mold-able clay, as we all know, is the softest. It's the stuff that's most yielding in the hands of the potter's touch, though he should cut it and shape it in a way that makes no sense to anyone but himself.